I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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