dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
