Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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