Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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