I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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