Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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