So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
