WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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