Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
