WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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