New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
