The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
