made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
How does one acquire holy water?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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