I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
