are you so shy because you have an std?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
