Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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