you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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