Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
