Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
