I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
