ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
