literally had 100 drinks last night.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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