the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
