sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
