Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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