theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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