When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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