Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
