Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
