I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
