Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
