I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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