Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You took a bar mat shot.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
