At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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