I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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