Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
