I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
