the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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