Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
