Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
