Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm passing your future prison.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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