There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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