i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
