And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize