Where are you?
In a non slutty way
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
