Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
