Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
