i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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