I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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