i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
