somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
