I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
no you cant smoke seaweed
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
