I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
