she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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